Biker's New Habit Irks Girlfriend, Sparks Tension Over Diet

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. My girlfriend and I both had a pretty sedentary lifestyle of too much TV and too much takeout. Despite living close to the largest park in our city, we never biked. I started a new position that was five miles away and had easy access to a local bike trail. I bought a bike and have been traveling that way most days. It has actually been great for my stress reduction, and I have actually slimmed down noticeably. My girlfriend keeps making snide comments about it, joking that I am turning into a health nut. She wants to eat out nearly every night now. I mean, not just pizza on the weekend but pizza, pasta, and fast food every night. We used to take walks to the restaurants, but now she just orders DoorDash and gets upset when I complain about the cost. I never mention her weight or tell her to join a gym. I am just tired of the passive-aggressive comments. I tried to address this directly, but that led to a huge fight. I love her, but I am tired of the put-downs here. What should I do? You two are only going to get increasingly irritated with each other if you don’t tackle this. I know you’re probably hesitant after that big fight, but that argument—and what it means about both of your feelings—is actually a good place to start the conversation. Try something like this: “I’m still thinking about the disagreement we had when I told you I was bothered by your comments and jokes about how I’m a health nut, as well as our butting heads over delivery costs. It feels a little unresolved to me. I know my taking up biking has been a big change for us, so I get it if it’s annoying that I’m approaching food and movement differently. Do you think there’s a way for us to resolve this? It’s important to me because the comments are really letting me down, and I can sense that there’s a lot of tension between us over this stuff. If there’s something I can do—like maybe we could agree to ordering out once a week, and I won’t complain, or we could plan a regular thing to do together that has nothing to do with food or exercise—I’m definitely open to it. I also want to say that unexpectedly losing weight has changed nothing about how I feel about you or this relationship at all. I hope I’m not being presumptuous by bringing that up as a concern, but I am just trying to think of everything, because I really want us to get through this together.” Get advice from Prudie—submit a question! Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Thanks! Your question has been submitted. My mother-in-law, “Joanne,” is forever bad-mouthing her daughter, “Caroline.” She didn’t approve of my sister-in-law’s career (attorney; Joanne wanted her to be an actress) and is angry that she is 35 and happily single. My husband says the relationship between his mother and sister has always been a difficult one, and that I should ignore it because there’s nothing to be done about it. Caroline is a wonderful person, and I’m sick of hearing Joanne ragging on her just because she isn’t living her life the way her mother wants. What’s more, my husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, and my mother-in-law even disparages Caroline to her! May I tell Joanne to shut up if my husband won’t? I have a better plan. When Joanne badmouths Caroline, instead of saying what you think about Joanne or what she should change (“You’re insufferable and you should shut up”), say what you think—and what you want your 3-year-old to hear. For example: MIL: “Caroline has the most boring job in the world, and she’s an old maid!” You: [Pleasantly, and lightly faking surprise] “Really? I think it’s awesome that she passed the bar and works on such important cases, and I love that she does so much fun stuff with her free time.” You [looking at your daughter]: “Isn’t it cool that different jobs make different people happy? What job do you think seems fun? Garbage collector? Dancer? Teacher? Also, some grown-ups want to live in a house with a husband or wife, and others don’t. Some people like to have a pet. Hmm, what kind of pet would you like to have when you’re a grown-up?” You, another day, when you and your daughter are not with Joanne: “You know who I really love? Auntie Caroline. She’s so kind, and she knows so much. Maybe we can FaceTime her one day, and she can show us her fancy office. You, when she’s school-aged: “Have you noticed that Grandma sometimes says things about Auntie Caroline that aren’t nice? She’s a person who doesn’t like it when people don’t like the same things she likes or make the same choices she would make. But I think it’s fine because we’re all unique and that’s what makes the world interesting. Just so you know, whatever job you choose when you grow up is fine with me. I know you’ll make the right choice for you.” Some say the way your kids hear you talking about others is the way they will talk and think about themselves. So you have an opportunity to communicate acceptance and appreciation for different choices. And you can avoid labeling Joanne as mean, wrong, or bad. As your daughter’s mom, what you say is so much more important than what other people say—and realistically, she’s going to hear a lot of sentiments you don’t like from friends, teachers, and other adults throughout her life. Putting your energy toward infusing her with your values and shaping the way she sees the world will be much more satisfying than trying to get people who have a different outlook on the world to shut up. My ex-wife married a good man immediately after our divorce. Our marriage dissolved under the stress of my career and a need for constant moves. Honestly, we get along better now than we did during most of our marriage. I don’t own my own place, as it would be a waste with me relocating as often as I do. When I see my kids, I usually ended up staying at my ex’s. Our youngest has mobility issues, and it is easier to bring all the children together (mine and my ex’s new kids) than to parcel out separate child care. This arrangement has worked out for the last seven years. Last year, I watched the kids for a week while my ex and her husband went to Hawaii…